How I learned (the hard way) to say "yes" by saying "no": Part II
Saying “no” was not my idea. It’s not original or groundbreaking.
But it has changed my life, thanks to the advice of leaders who have gone before me.
In Tribe of Mentors, Timothy Ferris (author of The Four-Hour Work Week) interviewed successful leaders to create a book with the subtitle "short life advice from the best in the world." Pretty great, huh?
As we know, one of the most important pieces of advice that showed up time and again was the power of "no."
So, I took their suggestions, put them through my own filter, and I haven’t said “yes” since (okay, I’ve said it a few times).
But, wait.
Wouldn’t saying “no” to the pre-dawn coffee for brain-picking offend someone?
Wouldn’t declining the networking opportunity label me as too cool for school?
Shouldn’t I at least ask for a raincheck? Push it out to next quarter?
It turns out, my deepest fear was alleviated early on. As soon as I started using the advice of Timothy Ferris and others, my people responded with so much respect.
The positives of the white space that those two letters have created far outweigh any grief I put myself through to say them.
What I’ve gained from guarding my time
Declining everything but the most important has given me focused time to work on the things that only I can do.
It has allowed me to have space that it felt like the universe intentionally left open for an emergency or issue that I had no idea would arise.
It’s given me the power to be there for my children and my family, including Bennett’s horrible first week of kindergarten. Not having all those coffees and happy hours shoved into every spare and not-so-spare part of my day made it feel like I could spend extra time with Bennett or take Rowe to daycare so my husband could be on bus duty.
I had time for grueling hours of medical appointments when I needed to get my health back.
I answer emails during business hours instead of sending my team into a tizzy at midnight.
Even saying “no” to my team at times has given them the chance to grow because I have found ways to be helpful without being the one to do it for them. I consistently ask myself the question, "Should I be doing this?" The answer is usually that someone else can do it—and would do it better.
I hired a mindfulness coach and learned how to take the time to breathe and be present.
I’ve become a better friend. I have a lot of friends who are mothers and entrepreneurs. We’re all in the same boat and now I can be there in those SOS moments and answer the call. Before, it would have been a missed called and a missed opportunity to be the supporter I want to be.
I can be present for my team and have desk-side chats because I'm not off at a networking opportunity that is neither, to use Stephen Covey’s words, urgent or important.
My "hell, no" toolkit
If something isn’t a “hell, yes” then it has to be a “hell, no.”
Hey, I know you want to help everyone. But you’re only one human.
No more waffling. It’s time to protect your time. Remember: Don’t be overly apologetic, don’t beat around the bush and don’t kick the can down the road. This is important: it's not "no for now," it's "no." Period. Word it just right and then move on.
Here are some approaches you might take, as are suggested in Tribe of Mentors:
Respond with sincerity: “I’ve been battling with this. For the benefit of my work/company/family, I need to take a break from activities like this.”
Respond consistently to a category: “It’s been pretty obvious to me that I’ve been doing too much lately. I have started an experiment turning down things like this as a blanket policy.”
Offer connections: “As hard as this is, I have to pass. Perhaps XYZ would be a good fit? I hope the space created by my absence opens up an opportunity you wouldn’t have had otherwise.”
Be the grateful person you are: “It’s clearly a great opportunity but I am going to have to decline with gratitude. I am having trouble making time ends meet.”
How does this look in the real world?
To prove that your worst fears won’t come to life either, here are a few real examples (redacted, of course) and the gracious responses I received in my inbox after I started braving this new world.
My no, general networking request
Hi,
Well here we are again about to meet and now I need to cancel! So sorry. Tomorrow and every day between now and when we leave for our holiday break is absolutely jammed. There’s a season to every stage of life and this just isn’t feeling like the season for us to find time to connect, is it? I’m sure your Q1 is as crazy as mine. As much as I would love to get together and spend more time with you, I am having to make some hard choices about what I put on my schedule next year to make sure 2018 looks different for me and my family and I am afraid I can’t commit to a new date right now.
I hope you are having a great end of year and I can’t wait to see you around!
Happy holidays,
Becca
Response
Becca,
I completely understand and appreciate your honesty. We will see each other at the Bizwomen Mentoring program.
Happy Holidays,
My no, invitation to join a board
Hi,
Happy New Year! We leave for the Dominican at the end of January but did have 12 days off at year-end, which was glorious family time!
I certainly appreciate your note and thinking of me. My first thought was “I’d love to!” and my second thought was, “but I can’t.” I am working very hard at protecting my time in 2018 to put my Family First, which is my theme for this year. It’s going to mean saying no to all kinds of things that interest and excite me so that I can say yes to the people who most deserve my time and haven’t gotten enough of it.
Perhaps the timing will line up in a different year when they or someone else fantastic will be considering people like me. Until then, I have to decline with gratitude.
Becca
Response
Good morning Becca – I understand completely. Good for you.
Have a great trip to the DR. So glad you were able to take 12 days off over the holidays!
2018 will be a great year and we look forward to working with you guys!
Blessings,
My no, specific networking
Hi,
I’m focused intently on specific initiatives this quarter and as much as I would love to get together, I am having to make some hard choices about what I put on my schedule and I am afraid I can’t commit to a new date right now. The business concept [they] had thought we should meet about is now on hold. I hope your 2018 is off to a great start and perhaps we can get together in the second half of the year.
Thank you for understanding,
Becca
Response
Hi Becca~
I really respect the fact that you are so honest and open with me.
Clarity and timing are EVERYTHING!
Best of luck with all the upcoming decision making and initiatives.
Our paths will cross when it's meant to be.
Cheers,